Nicomachean Ethics – Aristotle (Friendship)

January 7, 2013

Devon Sampson Human Psychology, Philosophy, Social Dynamics , , , , , , , Leave a comment

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“In poverty as well as in other misfortunes, people suppose that friends are their only refuge.” (1155a11)

“When people are friends, they have no need of justice, but when they are just, they do need friendship in addition” (1155a26)

“Friendship is not only necessary but also noble, for we praise those who love their friends, and an abundance of friends is held to be a noble thing. Further, people suppose good men and their friends to be one and the same.” (1155a29)

“Those who swiftly make proofs of friendship to each other wish to be friends but are not such unless they are also lovable and know this about each other. For a wish for friendship arises swiftly, but friendship itself does not.” (1156b30)
 

Friendship based on utility belongs to those who frequent the marketplace. And although the blessed have no need of useful people, they do of pleasant ones (1158a22)

 
“He who would accuse the other of not pleasing him would appear laughable, since it is possible for him not to spend his days together with him. But friendship based on utility is prone to accusations.” (1162b17)

“Goodwill seems, therefore, to be the beginning of friendship, just as the pleasure stemming from sight is the beginning of erotic love.” (1167a3)

“To be like-minded is not for each to have the same thing in mind, whatever it may be, but to have it in mind in the same way” (1167a34)

“For him who has produced it [a benefaction], then, the work endures (for what is noble is long-lasting), whereas for the recipient, its usefulness passes away.” (1168a16)
 

The serious person, insofar as he is serious, delights in actions that accord with virtue and is disgusted by those that stem from vice, just as the musical person is pleased by beautiful melodies and pained by bad ones. And a certain training in virtue would arise from living with those who are good (1170a9)

 
“Having more friends than is sufficient for one’s own life…is superfluous and an impediment to living nobly.” (1170b26)

“And with a view to pleasure too, a few friends are enough, just as with seasoning in food.” (1170b28)

“One’s friends ought to be friends with one another, if all are going to spend their days with one another, but it is a task for this to happen among numerous people. It is also difficult for many to share intimately in both joys and sufferings, for it is likely to happen that one shares simultaneously the pleasure of one person and the grief of another.” (1171a7)

“It is not possible to be a friend to many if the friendship is based on virtue and on what the people involved are in themselves, and it is desirable enough to find even a few people of this sort.” (1171a19)

“Seeing friends is itself pleasant, especially for someone suffering misfortune, and is some aid in not feeling pain: both the sight of a friend and his speech are apt to console one, if he is tactful, since he knows his friend’s character and in what ways he is pleased and pained.” (1171b3)

The Art of Seduction – Robert Greene (The Coquette)

November 24, 2012

Devon Sampson Human Psychology, Social Dynamics , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

 

An absence, the declining of an invitation to dinner, an unintentional, unconscious harshness are of more service than all the cosmetics and fine clothes in the world.

-Marcel Proust

 
“Once you satisfy someone, you no longer have the initiative, and you open yourself to the possibility that he or she will lose interest at the slightest whim.” (71)

“Hot and cold, hot and cold—such coquetry is perversely pleasurable, heightening interest and keeping the initiative on your side.”

“The critics were both baffled and intrigued by the coldness of Warhol’s work; they could not figure out how the artist felt about his subjects. What was his position? What was he trying to say? When they asked, he would simply reply, ‘I just do it because I like it,’ or, ‘I love soup.’ The critics went wild with their interpretations…”
 

There is a way to represent one’s cause and in doing so to treat the audience in such a cool and condescending manner that they are bound to notice one is not doing it to please them. The principle should always be not to make concessions to those who don’t have anything to give but who have everything to gain from us. We can wait until they are begging on their knees even if it takes a very long time.

-Sigmund Freud, in a letter to a pupil

 
Cold Coquettes create space by remaining elusive and making others pursue them. Their coolness suggests a comfortable confidence that is exciting to be around, even though it may not actually exist; their silence makes you want to talk. Their self-containment, their appearance of having no need for other people, only makes us want to do things for them, hungry for the slightest sign of recognition and favor.” (73)

“A bout of distance engages the emotions further; instead of making us angry, it makes us insecure. Perhaps they don’t really like us, perhaps we have lost their interest. Once our vanity is at stake, we succumb to the Coquette just to prove we are still desirable.” (74)
 

A man is also challenged by the female Coquette’s independence – he wants to be the one to make her dependent, to burst her bubble. It is far more likely, though, that he will end up becoming her slave, giving her incessant attention to gain her love, and failing. For the narcissistic woman is not emotionally needy; she is self-sufficient. (74-75)

 
“Do not confuse self-absorption with seductive narcissism. Talking endlessly about yourself is eminently anti-seductive, revealing not self-sufficiency but insecurity.” (75)

“The Coquette must first and foremost be able to excite the target of his or her attention. The attraction can be sexual, the lure of celebrity, whatever it takes. At the same time, the Coquette sends contrary signals that stimulate contrary responses, plunging the victim into confusion.”

“Remember: obvious flirting will reveal your intentions too clearly. Better to be ambiguous and even contradictory, frustrating at the same time that you stimulate.”

“Coquettes are never jealous — that would undermine their image of fundamental self-sufficiency. But they are masters at inciting jealousy: by paying attention to a third party, creating a triangle of desire, they signal to their victims that they may not be that interested. This triangulation is extremely seductive, in social contexts as well as erotic ones.” (76)

“Coquettes face an obvious danger: they play with volatile emotions. Every time the pendulum swings, love shifts to hate. So they must orchestrate everything carefully.” (78)

The Personal MBA – Josh Kaufman (Working With Others)

October 12, 2012

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Force is all-conquering, but its victories are short-lived…Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.

-Abraham Lincoln

 
“The major benefit of self-education when working with others is knowing what skill looks like.” (276)

Avoid bloated committees – keep your teams “elite and surgical.”

“Effective communication can only occur when both parties feel safe. As soon as people start to feel unimportant or threatened in a conversation, they start ‘stonewalling,’ shutting down communication. The threatened party may continue to interact, but mentally and emotionally, they’ve withdrawn from the conversation.” (280)
 

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do, and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

-General George S. Patton

 
“Micromanaging isn’t simply annoying – it’s extremely inefficient. Not only does spelling out every single detail make people feel less important, it actually impairs their effectiveness. No set of instructions, no matter how detailed, is capable of covering every contingency. When something inevitably changes, micromanagement fails.” (284)

“Commander’s intent is a much better method of delegating tasks: whenever you assign a task to someone, tell them why it must be done. The more your agent understands the purpose behind your actions, the better they’ll be able to respond appropriately when the situation changes.”

“When you communicate the intent behind your plans, you allow the people you work with to intelligently respond to changes as they happen.

“The best way to eliminate Bystander Apathy in project management is to ensure that all tasks have single, clear owners and deadlines.” (286)
 

The way to get on in the world is to make people believe it’s to their advantage to help you.

-Jean de la Bruyere, seventeenth-century essayist

 
“Convergence is the tendency of group members to become more alike over time…Convergence also means that groups have a tendency to police themselves. The norms of a group work like gravity – if they are violated, others will exert an influence on the rebel to bring them back in line.” (291)

“The best testimonials don’t necessarily contain superlatives: amazing, best, life-changing, and revolutionary have been so overused that people expect them and discount their expectations accordingly. The most effective testimonials tend to follow this format: ‘I was interested in this offer, but skeptical. I decided to purchase anyway, and I’m very pleased with the end result.’

“The reason this format is more effective than a litany of people gushing about your offer is that it more closely matches how your prospects are feeling: interested but uncertain.” (294-5)

“People have an inherent tendency to comply with Authority figures. This tendency begins in childhood – we wouldn’t survive for very long if we didn’t obey our parents most of the time. As we grow up, we’re socialized to respect and obey other Authority figures: teachers, police officers, government officials, and clergy. As a result, when an Authority figure asks us to do something, we’re very likely to comply – even if the request isn’t appropriate or doesn’t make sense.” (295)

“Developing a strong reputation in a certain area confers the benefits of Authority.” (296)

“Obtaining small commitments makes it more likely people will choose to act consistently with them later.” (298)

“By compensating their salespeople on a salary basis and giving generous bonuses based on long-term performance, (Norm) Brodsky and (Bo) Burlingham encouraged (their salespeople) to focus on making profitable sales versus sales at any cost.” (299)

“In the case of conflict, Perceptual Controls win over incentives every time.” (300)

“The best way to avoid Modal Bias [the assumption that our idea or approach is best] is to use inhibition to temporarily suspend judgment. Part of the value of understanding cognitive biases is the knowledge that you’re not immune to them, and simply knowing they exist doesn’t make them any less influential. Modal Bias is automatic – we have to use willpower to overcome it.” (301)
 

High achievement always takes place in the framework of high expectation.

-Charles Kettering

 
“In How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie recommends ‘Giving others a great reputation to live up to.’ ” (302)

“The Pygmalion Effect [the tendency of our expectations of others to become self-fulfilling prophecies] also features a paradox: having high expectations of people will produce better results, but it also increases the probability that you’ll be disappointed. The Expectation Effect means that our perception of the quality of someone’s work is a function of our original expectations.” (302)

“If you’re doing a formal assessment of someone’s performance, remember to judge performance objectively and quantitatively as much as possible.”

Josh Kaufman’s summary of management

The Personal MBA – Josh Kaufman (Working With Yourself)

September 4, 2012

Devon Sampson Business, Human Psychology , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments


 

To think is easy. To act is difficult. To act as one thinks is the most difficult.

-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

 
“Monoidealism is the state of focusing your energy and attention on only one thing, without conflicts. [Also known as a 'flow' state] (229)

The first key to achieving a monoideal state is to eliminate distractions; Kaufman claims that it takes roughly 10-30 minutes of uninterrupted time for your mind to become fully absorbed in the task.

If you feel an inner conflict about doing your work, explore it rather than repress it – your mind is often trying to tell you something important.

When you’re really feeling resistance, try the Pomodoro Technique: set a timer for 25 minutes and focus on a single task for the entire duration of the time, then take a 5 minute break when it’s done.

“If you eliminate distractions and Conflicts before you start your dash, you’ll naturally transition into a Monoideal state a few minutes into the work period.” (231)

Kaufman also recommends meditation as a way to become resistant to distractions.

“While many people assume [multitasking] makes them more efficient, Monoidealism and multitasking are complete opposites. Neurologically, it’s impossible for your brain to multitask. When you’re trying to do more than one thing at a time, you’re not really parallel processing – you’re rapidly switching your Attention from one thing to another.”

“Every time you switch the focus of your Attention from one subject to another, you incur the Cognitive Switching Penalty. In order to take action, your brain has to ‘load’ the context of what you’re doing into working memory. If you constantly switch the focus of your Attention, you’re forcing your brain to spend time and effort thrashing, loading and reloading contexts over and over again.” (232)

In order to avoid mentally demanding context-switching, batch similar tasks together, i.e., have a block of time where you do all of your creative tasks.
 

The Four Methods of Completion

1.) Completion – doing the task completely; this is the option most people think about, but it should only be used for important things that you can do particularly well.

2.) Deletion – eliminating the task; use this for tasks that are unimportant or unnecessary. “If it’s not worth doing, it’s not worth doing well or quickly” (233)

3.) Delegation – assigning the task to someone else; used for important tasks that someone else can complete almost as well as you can (or even better).

4.) Deferment – putting the task off until later; effective for tasks that are somewhat important, but that certainly aren’t critical.
 

“Saving noncritical tasks for later is a good way to keep your attention and energy focused on what’s most important…Periodically reviewing this list when you’re looking for something new or exciting to do is quite useful.” (234)

“A Most Important Task (MIT) is a critical task that will create the most important results you’re looking to achieve. Everything on your plate is not critically important, so don’t treat everything on your task list equally…At the beginning of every day, create a list of two or three MITs, then focus on getting them done as quickly as possible.” (235)

Some other points about MITs:

  • keep your MIT list separate from your other to-do list
  • use self-elicitation questions such as “What are the two or three most important things that I need to do today?” to help you generate the list of MITs
  • combining the MIT technique with Parkinson’s Law by setting an arbitrary deadline for your MITs, such as 10:00am, is extremely effective
  • all of this will help you maintain a monoideal state

    •  
    “For best effect, your Goals should be under your control. Goals like ‘losing twenty pounds’ are soul crushing because they’re not directly under your control – losing weight is a result, not an effort.” (237)

    Kaufman distinguishes between States of Being (such as happiness) and goals: the former shouldn’t be seen as a fixed achievement, but rather, a measure of the quality of your present experience. States of Being make for great decision criteria, but they lead to frustration if seen as a fixed goal to be achieved in the future.

    “For best results [in behavior change], focus on installing one habit at a time. Remember, you only have so much Willpower to use each day, and overriding your default mode of action depletes it quickly…Focus on installing one habit until taking action feels automatic, then move on to the next.” (240)
     

    Out of the available options, which experience do I want to have?

    -Steve Pavlina’s “tiebreaker” question when making a difficult decision

     
    “The Next Action is the next specific, concrete thing you can do right away to move a project forward. You don’t have to know everything that must be done to make progress on a project – all you need to know is the very next thing you can do to move the project forward.” (246)

    “One of the quirks about how your mind works is that it handles information from outside your head better than the thoughts that are rattling around inside your head.” (248)

    “There are two primary ways to Externalize your thoughts: writing and speaking. Writing (or drawing, if you prefer) is the best way to capture ideas, plans, and tasks. Not only does writing give you the ability to store information in a form you can reference later, it gives your mind the opportunity to examine what you know from a different angle. Challenges and issues that seem insurmountable while they’re bouncing around in your frontal lobe can often be solved surprisingly quickly after they’re put on paper.”

    “If you want to be productive, you must set limits. Juggling hundreds of active tasks across scores of projects is not sustainable: you’re risking failure, subpar work, and burnout.” (260)

    “Limits always have consequences – if you’re not prepared to handle the consequences, it’s not really a limit.”

    “Like all biological organisms, humans need to rest and recover for peak performance. Taking a break isn’t a sign of laziness or weakness – it’s a recognition of a fundamental human need…Sleep deprivation results in a prolonged down cycle, which gets in the way of getting things done.” (262-3)

    “The more Attached you are to a particular idea or plan, the more you limit your flexibility and reduce your chances of finding a better solution…If you become too Attached to the visions you have in your head, you’ll have a hard time adjusting to the inevitable twists and turns of life.” (270)

    Kaufman recommends putting a small percentage of your monthly income into a “Personal Research and Development (R&D) Budget”, money you can use (guilt-free) to purchase books, courses, conferences: anything that will help you improve your skills and capabilities.

    The Psychology of Selling – Brian Tracy (Techniques)

    July 5, 2012

    Devon Sampson Business, Human Psychology , , , , , , Leave a comment

    “Your job as a salesperson today is that of an advisor, and that of a counsellor, and that of a consultant.”

    “[Prospects] don’t need someone to try to sell them something, they need someone to teach them how what the product can do for them.”

    Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is a useful framework to have in the back of your mind when performing need analysis.

    Before you start selling something, ask yourself:
    -What are the top 5-10 features of my product?
    -What customer needs do these satisfy?
    -Why buy it from our company?

     

    Approaching the Prospect

     
    When prospects say no, it’s usually because they were preoccupied. But we are always preoccupied with SOMETHING; break the preoccupation or you will never get attention.

    “Your opening question should answer the question: ‘Why should I listen to you?’ It should then generate the question: ‘What is it?’“

    If they don’t ask, “What is it?” then your opening question isn’t good enough to get your prospect’s attention and break their preoccupations.

    A major prospect concern is that you’ll use high-pressure tactics like all of the other mediocre salespeople they’ve encountered; you must convince them that you won’t.

    The most important thing to do in an opening call is to get a solid appointment.

    Call to confirm a few days before to inoculate against flakes and make a new solid appointment if something has come up for them.

    Never sell your product on the phone – the best thing you have going is CURIOSITY.

    If you’re asked to send something, say that you’ll deliver it personally and ask if they’ll be there on that day.
     

    Way of Being

     
    Interacting with people that are too different from ourselves moves us out of our comfort zone.

    We stand upright and have attentive body language so we represent our product/business well but also because our prospect is likely to mirror these behaviors.

    “The essence of selling is personal vitality.” (so always get a good sleep)

    “Smile into the phone.”

    Never knock the competition.

    One aspect of being a good listener is pausing 3-5 seconds before replying, then ensuring that your reply sounds calm and contemplative.

    Great question to elicit further detail: “How do you mean?”

    Telling is not selling.
     

    Handling Objections

     
    Interpret objections as questions (ie: “I can’t afford it” = “Show me how I can afford it”)

    Be prepared for the common objections to your product.

    In sales, the term “condition” is used to refer to an unbreakable barrier to purchase, for example: someone with no legs is going to be difficult to sell shoes to.

    “Many people, when they voice an objection, think it’s a condition. Your job is to find out whether or not it’s [truly] a condition.”

    Hear out every objection, even the one’s you’ve heard 1000 times before.

    Compliment people on their objections (ie: “That’s a very good QUESTION…”)

    “Did I explain myself clearly?”

    Always be impressed with how knowledgable people are on your subject.

    Customers will sometimes hold on to objections until late because once those objections are obliterated, they know they’ll have to buy.

    Response to non-verbal hesitancy late in the game: “Mr. [Prospect], there seems to be some question in your mind that’s causing you to hesitate about going ahead right now, do you mind if I ask what it is; is it the money?” [price is the most common objection, but prospects are often shy about admitting it; adding "is it the money?" makes it more acceptable for the prospect to admit it]

    When asked about the price, state your answer to include all of the benefits – so that in the prospect’s mind, the price is never divorced from the value it represents. For example: “This system, with x, y, and z, and including a, costs…”

    “Yes, ours is more expensive than our competitors, would you like to know why?”

    Use “if” and “what if” responses to state creative solutions to objections. For example:

    Prospect: “Our budget is used up”
    You: “Well I’ll tell you what, if you take it now we won’t bill you until your next budget period.”
     
    Eliciting hidden objections, then using them to help you close:
    -“…and in addition to that, is there any issue keeping you from going ahead right now?”
    -“Just suppose that wasn’t an issue, is there any other reason we can’t go ahead?”
    -“If (x condition was satisfied) would you take it right now?”
     

    Closing

     
    Let them give you the closing condition.

    “Any noticeable change in attitude, posture, or demeanor can indicate that a buying decision is near.”

    You have to transition smoothly into the close, don’t take a breather or hesitate for too long.

    When you close you should be happy and enthusiastic.

    “The only pressure you use in a professional selling presentation is the pressure of the silence after the closing question.”
     

    A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.

     

    Flow – Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

    May 30, 2012

    Devon Sampson Human Psychology , , , , , , , Leave a comment

    “When people try to achieve happiness on their own, without the support of a faith, they usually seek to maximize pleasures that are either biologically in their genes or are out as attractive by the society in which they live. Wealth, power, and sex become the chief goals that give direction to their strivings. But the quality of life cannot be improved this way. Only direct control of experience, the ability to derive moment-by-moment enjoyment from everything we do, can overcome the obstacles to fulfillment.” (8)

    “The mark of a person who is in control of consciousness is the ability to focus attention at will, to be oblivious to distractions, to concentrate for as long as it takes to achieve a goal, and not longer.” (31)

    “Attention is our most important tool in the task of improving the quality of experience.” (32)

    “It is by becoming increasingly complex that the self might be said to grow. Complexity is the result of two broad psychological processes: differentiation and integration. Differentiation implies a movement towards uniqueness, toward separating oneself from others. Integration refers to its opposite: a union with other people, with ideas and entities beyond the self. A complex self is one that succeeds in combining these opposite tendencies.” (41)

    “Pleasure is an important component of the quality of life, but by itself it does not bring happiness. Sleep, rest, food, and sex provide restorative homeostatic experiences that return consciousness to order after the needs of the body intrude and cause psychic entropy to occur. But they do not produce psychological growth. They do not add complexity to the self.” (46)

    “We can experience pleasure without any investment of psychic energy, whereas enjoyment happens only as a result of unusual investments of attention. A person can feel pleasure without any effort, if the appropriate centers of the brain are electrically stimulated, or as a result of the chemical stimulation of drugs.”

    “Loss of self-consciousness does not involve a loss of self, and certainly not a loss of consciousness, but rather, only a loss of consciousness of the self. What slips below the threshold of awareness is the concept of self, the information we use to represent to ourselves who we are.” (64)

    “When not preoccupied with our selves, we actually have a chance to expand the concept of who we are. Loss of self-consciousness can lead to self-transcendence, to a feeling that the boundaries of our being have been pushed forward.”

    “Paradoxically, a self-centered self cannot become more complex, because all the psychic energy at its disposal is invested in fulfilling its current goals, instead of learning about new ones.” (85)

    “To avoid [psychic entropy], people are naturally eager to fill their minds with whatever information is readily available, as long as it distracts attention from turning inward and dwelling on negative feelings.” (119)

    “The more a job inherently resembles a game – with variety, appropriate and flexible challenges, clear goals, and immediate feedback – the more enjoyable it will be regardless of the worker’s level of development.” (152)

    “Ironically, jobs are actually easier to enjoy than free time, because like flow activities they have built-in goals, feedback, rules, and challenges, all of which encourage one to become involved in one’s work, to concentrate and lose oneself in it. Free time, on the other hand, is unstructured, and requires much greater effort to be shaped into something that can be enjoyed.” (162)

    “If a person does not know how to control attention in solitude, he will inevitably turn to the easy external solutions: drugs, entertainment, excitement – whatever dulls and distracts the mind.

    “But such responses are regressive – they do not lead forward. The way to grow while enjoying life is to create a higher form of order out of the entropy that is an inevitable condition of living. This means taking each new challenge not as something to be repressed or avoided, but as an opportunity for learning and for improving skills.” (172)

    “One way to describe the skills that every man and woman has is to divide them in two classes: the instrumental and the expressive. Instrumental skills are the ones we learn so that we can cope effectively with the environment…Expressive skills, on the other hand, refer to actions that attempt to externalize our subjective experiences…When involved in an expressive activity we feel in touch with our real self.” (188)

    “Inner conflict is the result of competing claims on attention.” (225)

    “Action helps create inner order, but it has its drawbacks. a person strongly dedicated to achieving pragmatic ends might eliminate internal conflict, but often at the price of excessively restricting options…the goals that have sustained action over a period [may] turn out not to have enough power to give meaning to the entirety of life.” (226)

    “Activity and reflection should ideally complement and support each other. Action by itself is blind, reflection impotent.”

    How to Maximize Your Retention When Reading Non-Fiction Books

    May 16, 2012

    Devon Sampson Human Psychology , , , , , 2 Comments

    Recently, I came across a book titled 10 Days to Faster Reading by Abby Marks-Beale that has changed the way I look at reading non-fiction.

    I was relieved to find out that I was already using some of her strategies, such as taking notes and eliminating environmental distractions, but mostly, 10 Days to Faster Reading made me acutely aware of the various mistakes I was making – and how to correct them so I could increase my reading retention.

    For example, we humans have a tendency to subvocalize – sounding out each word in our heads. It turns out that this is much slower than when our minds just take in words as thoughts (without subvocalizing). The latter process is what we do when we’re truly “in the zone” – subvocalizing only serves takes us out of the zone.
     

     
    The book also emphasizes the importance of context when reading non-fiction; having a specific idea about what you’re looking to learn in a particular book will make relevant content stand out much more. Using the book’s index (if it has one) is another way to find relevant content more quickly as well.

    Ultimately, the point of reading non-fiction is not to finish the book cover-to-cover, it’s to learn specific concepts that you can apply to your daily life, so make sure that you’re doing that as efficiently as possible.

    Josh Kaufman does an excellent job summarizing the 10 key ideas in 10 Days to Faster Reading, you can skim it in about 10 minutes and get all of the important concepts.
     
    10 Days to Faster Reading – Personal MBA summary

    From the Bedroom to the Boardroom: A Brief Review of “Pitch Anything” by Oren Klaff

    May 15, 2012

    Devon Sampson Business, Human Psychology , , , , , , Leave a comment

    (Click on the image to view and/or download Chapter 1)
     
    Whenever I post about a book here, I am implicitly giving it my highest recommendation (except for that one time I posted about Al Gore’s “The Assault on Reason”…my bad).

    But recently, I read a book so outstanding, so ingenious, and so practical that writing somewhat-out-of-context notes about it would be a colossal injustice.

    “Pitch Anything” is already one of my favorite business books ever. It outlines a method of pitching in business settings that’s almost reminiscent of the seduction techniques outlined in “The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists” by Neil Strauss. Indeed, reading about things like frame control, prizing, and alpha behavior definitely gave me flashbacks to 2008 when I first read Strauss’s bestseller.

    But “Pitch Anything” differentiates itself from “The Game” by its frequent use of academic neuroscience research to support his ideas, as well as the fact that he’s successfully pitched billion-dollar proposals and made millions of dollars personally using the method.

    Did I mention it’s well written, peppered with truly interesting examples, and legitimately funny?

    I’m totally smitten with this book, and that’s a major accomplishment considering all of the books I’ve read this year.

    You can check out the first chapter for free by clicking on the image.

    Finally, for specific information about his method and his book, here’s an interview with Oren Klaff that covers a lot of the key ideas of “Pitch Anything”:
     
    Pitch Anything: Oren Klaff – The Mixergy Interview
     

    The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem – Nathaniel Branden

    February 22, 2012

    Devon Sampson Human Psychology , , , , , Leave a comment

    Self-concept is destiny. If you have a high opinion of yourself, you’re more likely to get positive emotional feedback from others which will reinforce your strong self-image; if you have a low opinion of yourself, you’re more likely to get negative feedback from others, “proving” that you were right all along.

    Healthy self-esteem correlates with:

    • rationality
    • realism
    • intuitiveness
    • creativity
    • independence
    • flexibility
    • ability to manage change
    • willingness to admit and correct mistakes
    • benevolence
    • cooperativeness
    Poor self-esteem correlates with:
    • irrationality
    • blindness to reality
    • rigidity
    • fear of the new and unfamiliar
    • inappropriate conformity or inappropriate rebelliousness
    • defensiveness
    • over-compliant or over-controlling behavior
    • fear of, or hostility to, other people

    “The union of two abysses does not produce a height.”

    “Poor self-esteem places us in an adversarial relationship to our well-being”

    Self-efficacy is the conviction that we are able to think, to judge, to know, and to correct our errors. It is trust in our mental processes and abilities. It is not the conviction that we can never make an error. It is trust in our processes, not necessarily in the outcomes.

    “Self-esteem is not a substitute for the knowledge and skills one needs to operate successfully in the world. But it does increase the likelihood that one will obtain those skills.”

    Physical manifestations of self-esteem:

    • eyes that are alert, bright, and lively
    • shoulders that are relaxed, yet erect
    • hands that tend to be relaxed and graceful
    • arms that tend to hang in an easy, natural way
    • a posture that tends to be unstrained, erect, well-balanced
    • a walk that tends to be purposeful
    • a voice that tends to be modulated with an intensity appropriate to the situation and with clear pronunciation

    Pillar #1 – The Practice of Living Consciously

    “We cannot feel competent and worthy while operating in a mental fog.”

    “Self-esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves.”

    Pillar #2 – The Practice of Self-Acceptance

    “In the most fundamental sense, self-acceptance refers to an orientation of self-value and self-commitment that derives from the fact that I am alive and conscious. As such, it is more primitive than self-esteem. It is a pre-rational, pre-moral act of self-affirmation. It is a kind of natural egoism that is the birthright of every human being.”

    “(Self-acceptance) is our willingness to experience, rather than disown, whatever may be the facts of our being at a particular moment.”

    “The mind that honors sight, honors itself.”

    We are not moved to change that which we deny in the first place.

    When you have a thought, feeling, or emotion that you have trouble accepting, at least accept the fact that you’re resisting it.

    “Chronic tension coveys some form of internal split, some form of self-repudiation.”

    “If our liabilities pose the problem of inadequacy, our assets pose the challenge of responsibility.”

    Pillar #3 – The Practice of Self-Responsibility

    Mindset: “I am responsible for the achievement of my desires.”

    “I am responsible for my own happiness.”

    In every organization there are those who wait for someone else to provide a solution and those who take responsibility for finding it.

    “Embracing self-responsibility not merely as a personal preference, but as a philosophical principle entails one’s acceptance of a profoundly important moral idea. In taking responsibility for our own existence, we implicitly recognize that other human beings are not our servants and do not exist for the satisfaction of our needs.”

    Pillar #4 – The Practice of Self-Assertiveness

    “Self-assertiveness means honoring my wants, needs, and values – and seeking appropriate forms of their expression in reality.”

    There are some people, usually teenagers or immature young adults, that practice “self-assertiveness” by reflexively saying “no” to everything. But self-assertiveness is ultimately defined not by what you are against but by what you are for.

    “Self-assertiveness asks that we not only oppose that which we deplore, but that we live and express our values.”

    One of the ways we build self-esteem is to be self-assertive when it is not easy to do so.

    Pillar #5 – The Practice of Living Purposefully

    “To live without purpose is to live by chance…outside forces bounce us along like a cork floating on water, with no initiative of our own to set a specific course. Our orientation to life is reactive rather than proactive.”

    “The root of our self-esteem is not our achievements, but those internally generated practices that, among other things, make it possible to achieve”

    Pillar #6 – The Practice of Personal Integrity

    To live with integrity is to have principles of behavior to which we remain loyal in action

    The issue is not so much whether we are “perfect” in our integrity but rather how concerned we are to correct such breaches as might exist.
     
     
    Guilt can serve the desire for efficacy by providing an illusion of efficacy, even if the situation was out of your control (“If I had only done X, it would have been different…”).

    “The higher the level of consciousness of which we operate, the more we live by explicit choice and the more naturally does integrity follow as a consequence.”

    The mindset that “only I will know if I lie” implies that you think your opinion doesn’t matter, and that only the opinions of others matter.

    The six pillars provide a standard for judging parental policies (“Does this encourage self-responsibility?”, etc.)

    The statement “I am enough” does not mean that I have nothing to learn and nothing to grow to, it means: “I accept myself as a value as I am.”

    You cannot stimulate innovation and creativity without also focusing on self-esteem.

    The Power of Eye Contact – Michael Ellsberg (Part 1)

    February 18, 2012

    Devon Sampson Human Psychology, Social Dynamics , , , , Leave a comment

    Eye contact can land you a job. It can get you a date. It can deepen your connections with the people you love. It can make or break business relationships. It can help win a fight. It can win over an audience.

    Simply put, eye contact is one of the most powerful tools in human face-to-face interaction. The Power of Eye Contact is your concise guide to harnessing the potent force of eye contact.

    -Amazon.com description

     

    Chapter 1: What Bill Clinton Knows About Eye Contact

     

    It would seem to be in our self interest not to have our emotions out on display as they are through our eye contact, but primatologist Frans de Wall explains that human beings are cooperative animals and our emotional transparency helps others trust us better.

    The “Duchenne” smile: the true smile of enjoyment, involves, most importantly, a movement of a muscle around the eye, which causes the eye coverfold to move down slightly.

    This muscle “does not obey the will” – every other aspect of a smile can be faked except for this phenomenon.

    Charles Darwin’s description of the eyes during rage:

    The eyes are always bright, or may, as Homer expressed it, glisten with rage. They are sometimes bloodshot, and are said to protrude from their sockets – the result, no doubt, of the head being gorged with blood, as shown by the veins being distended.

    Charles Darwin’s explanation of “sparkling”, happy eyes:

    A bright and sparkling eye is as characteristic of a pleased or amused state of mind, as is the retraction of the corners of the mouth and upper lip…Their brightness seems to be chiefly due to their tenseness, owing to the contraction of the orbicular muscles and to the pressure of the raised cheeks. But, according to Dr. Piderit…the tenseness may be largely attributed to the eyeballs becoming filled with blood and other fluids, from the acceleration of the circulation, consequent on the excitement of pleasure…Any cause which lowers the circulation deadens the eye. I remember seeing a man utterly prostrated by a prolonged and severe exertion during a very hot day, and a bystander compared his eyes to those of a boiled codfish.

    Everyone has mirror neurons that allow us to experience the emotional states of others. One of the implications of this is that in large group settings such as concerts, it feels as if the audience morphs into a single entity that experiences and expresses emotions at an even higher level.

    Imagine being gazed at by a sea of eyes – lustful eyes, hungry eyes, beckoning eyes – whenever you are in a public area like a bus or skytrain. This is reality for most women.

     

    Chapter 2: How to Become a Master of Eye Contact in Two Weeks

     

    A proven, well-documented way to overcome all sorts of anxiety is called systematic desensitization. You put gradually expose yourself to the object of your anxiety, first in your imagination, then, over time, in the real world. The main purpose of this is to give you concrete reference experiences that you won’t die by doing whatever it is that you fear. It gets you more comfortable with fear itself.

    Exercise: walk down the sidewalk and look into the eyes of every person that walks towards you long enough to see their eye color, then look away.

    Prolonged eye contact is often associated with aggression or seduction, but if you just want to practice confident behavior you can avoid being too intense by keeping a neutral facial expression and/or softening the intensity of your focus.

    As a rule of thumb, don’t initiate eye contact from far away – that’s called staring.

    When you break eye contact, break it laterally, not vertically. That is, if someone is on your right, break eye contact by looking ahead or to your left, not by looking down – that’s extremely low-status behavior.

    (In response to the common question, “Should I look at one eye, or try to look at both”) “When talking with someone new, maintain a relatively soft, gentle, wide focus in general, taking in your entire conversation partner’s face, with the eyes  in the center of your field of vision [not the bridge of the nose].” (49)

    An intense gaze requires the muscles around the eyes to become tense; a soft gaze allows the facial muscles around the eyes to relax.

    Ellsberg stresses, however, that it is natural and even necessary to look away at times during a conversation:

    Taking in someone’s eyes is one of the most psychologically salient experiences we can have – there are so many shades of nuance and meaning to interpret…So it’s understandable that when we are using a lot of our “processing power” to remember something, come up with our next train of thought, or formulate our opinion on something, we have to tune out this rich additional source of input. (53-54)

    “You’d come across as a complete freak if you made pure 100% eye contact in any conversation. What I’m talking about in this book is adding 20 to 30 percent more eye contact into your conversations.” (54)

    Author Marie Forleo also sheds light on common misconceptions about eye contact:

    Many people who get into eye contact start trying to “do” eye contact, like it’s this technique that’s sooo profound…You shouldn’t be trying to “do” eye contact all the time. It’s annoying to others. Let it happen naturally. Just look at the people around you as the human beings they are, and the eye contact will come naturally and perfectly.

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